First off, I want to apologize for the silence these past few weeks.
It felt like a swirl of activity (and a bit of chaos) with school ending, a quick family vacation, and some more events unfolding with my health journey.
Today, I break the silence to share where I'm at, and give you some insight into my brain right now.
(I know, that's probably a bit scary seeing inside my brain!!!)
Friday, May 31
This was an eventful day.
It was our kids' last day of school.
Our youngest graduated from preschool (he heads to Kindergarten next year, which is all day long.)
I also had a biopsy done on a lump on the right side of my neck.
The lump first began growing in October. I had asked my doctor about it in November, but he didn't seem worried about it. So I no longer was either.
Nothing showed up with it during a CT scan in January, but I happened to ask him about it again in March during a regular followup appointment.
We decided to start looking into it just to eliminate any fear.
After an ultrasound, it proved to be solid, and they also noticed two other really small spots as well. One on the same side, and one on the left side of my neck.
That was April 10.
We decided to get a biopsy of the largest spot on the right side, again, just to determine what it is.
Because of our schedules and the doctor's schedule, who only seems to do these every other Friday, we had a date for May 31.
I was told it would be about a 4 hour process, which felt intimidating, honestly.
I started to feel anxious leading up to it, especially since we were planning to take all of the kids on a plane with us the next day for a quick vacation to Washington DC.
Once we were in the room prepping beforehand, we asked more questions about the anesthesia, and the doctor told me that it was to help reduce my fear and emotions so that I would more likely hold still.
When he told me I would still feel the initial poke of the local Litocain, I decided against the anesthesia and to just go with the Litocain for the local numbing of the biopsy site.
I didn't want to have to wait for my head to clear for 4 hours inside a hospital room if I could help it. Plus, those same drugs had given me some really weird and intense experiences last August when I was recovering from surgery!
It was a quick procedure, and 45 minutes later we were walking out of the hospital.
Here's what the left side of my neck looked like that day. There's a visible, yet slight bump.
I had mentioned to the doctor about the left side, how it was starting to grow, wondering if he would do a biopsy of that side too, but he said he would do the original side since it was lower to my neck. I didn't understand that reasoning, but I was also ok not having both sides really sore for a day or two.
Wednesday, June 5
The following day we hopped on an airplane and flew to Washington DC.
While it wasn't the first time we were all on a plane, it was the first time our youngest remembered being on a plane. He was just a baby last time.
We had a great time, seeing lots of the traditional sites and memorials.
We made some great memories as a family that I won't regret.
But I felt my energy lagging more and more as the trip went on.
It wasn't just that we logged 19.5 miles walking.
Because Rachel was pushing a stroller most of the time (yes, we both pushed a stroller for our 5 year old and 8 year old. Feel free to judge us!), that meant her watch wasn't picking up many of her steps.
We estimate that we actually logged a marathon of walking miles in just 3 full days there!
I slept less well each night.
My energy and water intake wasn't as high as it had been.
I could feel the spot on my left side beginning to grow a bit more.
I was able to see the results of the biopsy on Monday, and it showed that the cancer had returned!
I definitely didn't sleep well that night, but I can honestly say that it was only my lowest point in the last few weeks.
The next day I was able to get my mind back to a good place.
On Wednesday, we flew back home, and I was ready to address the changes I needed to make to my lifestyle again.
On the flight home, I took this pic of my neck.
If you compare, you can see that it had grown in just 5 days!
Tuesday, June 18
By the end of the week, we still hadn't heard from my original doctor if he would like to see me or address the results.
My next regular, 3-month followup appointment was scheduled for today, actually, June 18. But it felt forever away.
The next Monday, June 10, I sent a picture of my neck. I explained how it was growing and I was concerned that delaying wouldn't be good.
On Wednesday, my nurse responded, saying they could get me in the next morning. So on Thursday morning, I meet with my doctor, and he's not smiling.
He's concerned.
Surgery is not an option because of how many sensitive tissues and nerves run through the neck. If we can avoid it, he would like to since it would dramatically affect the rest of my life.
He anticipates chemotherapy and immunotherapy as the combination of treatments that will stop the cancer from spreading and help my body kill it off.
The next step, though, to see if there were any other spots growing in my body, was to schedule a PET scan. That is scheduled for tomorrow, Wednesday, June 19.
Once the results come back in a day or two, we will get to meet with an oncologist to help us determine the best chemo treatment and the best immunotherapy treatment.
So. That's where we are at.
We have lots of questions about what that will look like.
It's new.
It's another unknown.
We haven't been down this road before.
It's a new bend in the road.
We don't know what it will hold.
But it's going to be ok.
Here's what my neck looks like this morning.
The tumor has grown quite a bit. My son described it as part of a softball growing out of my neck. He's not wrong!
It is pushing into some nerves, which throws off my posture, which puts my neck out of place just a little, which cramps my shoulder-trap muscle, which makes it hard to turn my neck.
I was telling my wife last night, when I'm focused on something, I'm mostly ok.
There's a dull ache all the time, but it's manageable.
Yet when I stop and try to relax, that's when the pain really sets in.
I feel it pushing against my ear canal, which reminds me of the ear drum breaks I had when I was a kid.
Setting the Body up for Healing
If I'm honest, I feel responsible for it's quick return.
When I met with the doctor in Georgia, he put me on a routine of rest and healing, a way of living that should promote long-lasting healing and recovery for my body.
Eliminating foods that prevent my body from thriving, and feeding it the ones that boost its performance and function.
He wanted to run tests again after 3 months to see if we had made any improvement in my body's internal systems.
I chose not to.
One, I didn't want to pay him for the tests and results, because he was not following up with me the way I wanted and needed him to.
Instead of finding someone else to run the same tests and guide me through the process, I just quit.
That's where I feel I fell short.
So I have begun again.
I had labs done last week, and just yesterday reviewed them with my local doctor, who will take care of me and followup with me when I need it.
There are some things out of balance in my body, obviously, and I have begun taking the supplements recommended to remedy those imbalances.
Through some other scans and tests, I have learned that my liver needs help detoxing as well, so I have been going through that process as well.
I have fasted, cleaning out what is unhelpful in my body, to set it up for success once again.
I have been reading through The Compound Effect again, and it's been a bit of a reality check.
The Compound Effect is summed up this way: through small, consistent actions, we create our future for good or bad.
Darren Hardy gives this illustration of three men. The one man lives an average life, and continues living his average life for the next 10 years. At the end of 10 years, he is still average in every area.
Another man, lives an average life as well, but began a small habit of eating chips and watching tv each evening after work. He slowly gains weight, which affects his energy, which affects his career and his marriage. At the end of 10 years, he is overweight, struggling to find a good job he likes, and his marriage is on the edge of divorce. His actions, though small, compounded over time to give him negative results.
Another man, lives an average life as well, but began a small habit of reading for 30 minutes each morning. As he read more, he began to make small changes in his health by running or weight lifting. He also began to make improvements in his own leadership abilities at work, and gained influence and position as he was promoted and led even better. He was intentional with his family and his marriage, and he had a thriving relationship with his wife. His actions, though small, compounded over time to give him positive results.
That's the Compound Effect. After enough time, we learn--for good or bad--the results of our actions.
While I have made these diet and lifestyle changes recently, it's not going to be a quick fix.
Even though I made these same changes 10 months ago, I only followed through with them for 4 months. I went back to my old ways, eating above average by comparison to others, but not to the high standard I need to hold myself to.
I've noticed that I have an easier time working toward something when I am still working towards a goal. Once I reach that goal I tend to let off the gas.
My plan this time, to help with the longevity of my lifestyle, is to consistently get bloodwork done every three months to see how my body is doing.
Is it in balance?
Is anything way off?
What needs boosted?
I learned that our body reproduces new blood cells every 90 days. Now, that's not a flash of change that's noticeable from Day 90 to Day 91. It's a process that is in constant flow. Our body is reproducing new blood cells every day, but it takes 90 days for each of them to change out.
So I could have a whole new chemistry and makeup each season of the year!
If I'm not going to the cellular level to learn how to support and enhance and boost my body, I'm not doing my best.
THAT is the change I am making this time.
Did I completely simplify what the journey will look like?
Absolutely.
And I'm ready to do it.
I'm taking a day at a time.
Sometimes an hour at a time.
And sometimes one second at a time.
I am slowing down again.
I am learning to be fully present again.
I heard someone say yesterday that he never wastes adversity.
That's where I'm at.
I'm not wasting this time.
I am learning new things each day.
I am experiencing each day fully.
I am hugging my kids and seeing their smile.
I am not numbing my pain, because I'm afraid I will miss something.
I am not numbing my body, because I don't want to numb my mind.
I want to feel.
I want to notice.
I want to be alive.
And right now, the pain and discomfort I feel each day, is part of my lifeline to being fully alive.
It sounds strange, I know.
Sometimes I'm nearly nauseous with the discomfort, but I have not been pushed past my breaking point, even with my kids.
And that is a new win!
I love you.
Thanks for following along.
If you have questions, I'm not afraid or embarrassed by them.
Feel free to ask away.
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