Hey there!
I don't want to be naive enough to think that you are constantly thinking about me and wondering when I'm going to write again next.
I am fully aware that I'm the one thinking about this more than anyone else.
You are thinking about your own life, with all of its own ups and downs.
Yet I want to lay out some expectations for the next foreseeable future.
I anticipate only writing, at most, once every three weeks.
Could it be more often than that?
Sure, it's possible, but I'm not going to pressure myself to write weekly.
You will see why as I give you an update on my Health Journey.
The first part of this post is a health update.
The second part is a mindset shift I've been making.
Chemo Cycle
Wait? Chemo! How did you get to chemo already?!
The timeline has been a blur, honestly, but I'll do a quick recap as best I can.
I was seriously hoping to meet with an oncologist during the first week of July, but with the holiday and doctors taking vacation time, I wasn't scheduled to meet with one until July 9th.
I still had two weeks to go at that point, and I was feeling more and more miserable!
And honestly, I felt like I wasn't being heard by any of the doctors.
On July 1, we went down to the ER, hoping to expedite the process.
Sure, we knew there was not going to be an oncologist in the ER, but it was worth a shot.
I had a CT scan to show that the tumor on my left side had almost doubled in size in just 18 days!
It was causing so much discomfort, and I was in a lot of pain every single day.
I had started taking Tylenol and Ibuprofen on rotation to help with the pain relief.
I was slowing down, physically and mentally, and my appetite was starting to slow a bit too.
The next morning, July 2, I received a phone call from the nurse of the oncologist who was on vacation.
She was assisting a different oncologist that day, and they had a new patient cancellation.
She asked if I wanted the spot!
I said, "I'll make it happen."
I just needed the ball rolling for some sort of treatment option.
So while I met with her that day, she told me I would be transferred back to the original oncologist's care because he would be back from vacation.
Now, let me pause for a second to address the vacation thing.
I am FOR individuals taking vacation time, especially for doctors who handle a lot of stress and a lot of different patients.
Yet I am not for an organization letting patients fall through the cracks and be dismissed because someone is on vacation for a week.
That was my issue!
Back to the story.
The oncologist that morning told us it takes two weeks to get insurance to approve things before I could get my first treatment.
I was ok with that, and it meant I had a one week head start to the original plan anyway.
Birthday Weekend
I turned 40 on July 13, and we held a massive birthday party.
Last year, when I turned 39, I spent it in the hospital after my biopsy surgery of my tongue. That was the weekend we found out that I had cancer.
So this year, we wanted to celebrate huge!
And huge we did!
I was shocked, humbled, and honored to have 178 friends and family celebrate!
It was a bit like my wedding day--a blur!
I talked with almost everyone, and even met a few new friends!
Port Install
The next week, insurance had been approving things well, and it was time to install a port into my chest.
I had that put in on Wed, July 10.
It was a little uncomfortable the following day, but it quickly healed well.
The point of the port was to make it easier for the nurses to access when it was time for my chemo infusions.
Sometimes chemo infusions are hard on the veins in your arm, so they have better results with using a port.
Chemo Day
The following Tuesday, two weeks after meeting with the surprise oncologist, I had my first infusion treatment.
I actually have two different chemo medicines. One is a high dose that I receive in the hospital.
The other is administered with a portable pump that I wear in a fanny pack and carry around for the next 4 days!
I also received a dose of immunotherapy on that Tuesday, which takes about half an hour to infuse.
The combination of the drugs work to attack the tumor and kill the cancer, while trying to help the body fight it off too.
That's very simplistic.
Because the high dose chemo drug could be hard on my kidneys, I was given IV hydration on Monday the day before, more the day of the infusion, and more the following day back at a local hospital.
Hell Week
If you remember, the size of my tumor on the left side had grown so large that it was causing lots of headaches.
Well, the tumor didn't like the chemo and immunotherapies.
It actually became inflamed and grew in size on Wednesday after the treatment!
Now, chemo tends to wipe out your white blood cells, which are the immune-fighting parts of your blood.
Because of that, they told me to monitor my temps and let them know if I spiked a fever at all.
Because of that, I was not to take any Tylenol or Ibuprofen because they mask fever symptoms.
Well, when the steroids I was given on Tuesday wore off in the middle of the night, I was feeling very miserable all day on Wednesday.
Most of it was pain from a headache, but my stomach was not settling well.
I spent most of the day hunched over a bucket, feeling like I needed to puke all day long.
When I finally did puke, it only brought some relief.
I was given the go-ahead to take Oxycodone.
Once that kicked in, I was able to get some rest.
But the next few days were still very miserable, with little sleep, no energy, cycling in and out of conscious thoughts.
I felt like a walking zombie!
By Saturday, it was time to head back to the hospital to have my pump removed and receive a little more hydration.
I had finally eaten something the day before, and felt able to drink enough to stay hydrated again.
Recovery
Sunday, I woke up a couple hours after the pain meds had worn off, and I was surprised to realize I was not in pain!
The tumor had begun to shrink!
Which allowed for the much-welcomed relief from the constant headaches and neck/shoulder pain.
I felt alive again, and my appetite returned.
It was a good day.
I learned over the next few days, though, that recovery is not a linear process.
It doesn't always move in the desired direction.
Some days I would wake up energized, but feel drained by noon.
Other days I would wake up very slowly and not get a boost of energy at all.
It required lots of patience with myself.
3 Week Cycle
The plan is to get my infusion treatments every three weeks.
So I'll have IV hydration locally on Monday, get chemo and immunotherapy in Columbus on Tuesday, come home with the pump for the next four days, get IV hydration locally on Wednesday, and have the pump removed on Saturday.
The next week will be nothing.
The following week will be lab tests and evaluate how things are going and progressing.
After three full cycles, we will take another CT scan to see how much the tumor has shrunk.
The goal is to complete 6 full cycles, but we could begin talking about treatment options for after it's completed.
What I'm Learning
Most of my updates happen on Facebook, and you're welcome to follow along there more frequently.
I shared recently something that I have been wrestling with and mulling over in my mind for a full year now.
I am learning to trust God, even in the valley.
This is not what I expected to go through; it's not what I want to go through; it's not what I felt I should go through (as if some people deserve to go through this?!)
I have prayed and asked God for His abundance at multiple times throughout my life.
And many times, I received it.
I thanked Him for those times, and I still do.
Yet why can I not also accept the bad things in life along with the good?
Why should I only accept good things from God?
This isn't to say that God caused this cancer in my body.
I believe we live in a broken world that has not yet been made right and complete.
So we experience pain and brokenness and heartache and death.
I mean, that's the reality.
We are all going to die at some point.
Why am I afraid of that?
I have spent the past year contemplating this, and I'm just starting to get a good grasp on some of these truths.
I have spent a lot of time worrying over what my health will be like next year.
Will I get to do some of the things I want to do?
Yet that's a set of spiral thoughts that only leads to a season of worry.
And worry leads me no where productive.
Who Do I Trust
I have been following along in the Sermon on the Mount with The Bible Project this year.
They release new teachings each week, as they slowly break down and walk through the three chapter sermon of Jesus.
One section talks about how it's impossible to serve two masters. You will find yourself loving one, and hating the other, being devoted to one and despising the other.
Then Jesus says this, 'You cannot serve both God and Mammon."
Mammon. What's that?
When you do the deep dive study into it, you learn that Mammon symbolizes "the thing you put your trust in."
For many of us, it's money.
Right?
We strive to earn and produce and invest and save up enough money to earn financial freedom.
And financial freedom is our modern word for trusting that I have enough saved up that I will be ok.
Now, money is a tool. We exchange it for goods, services, time, experiences.
We save it up to use at a later time.
We invest it to grow it and have more for later.
On its own, as a tool, it's not bad.
It only becomes bad when I put my trust in it for my existence.
When my mental state of mind is only "stable" when my account balance is at the right size.
Can you see it?
I have trusted in Mammon at multiple times throughout my life, instead of God.
I have trusted in my salary, my savings account, my retirement fund, my health, my fitness, my looks.
I have failed to trust God, even when living with abundance!
But this past year has been a year of testing.
I have been tested to trust God, or these other things.
At times I have successfully trusted God.
At other times I have not.
It has not been linear either.
Yet the biggest realization has been this:
God is my provider.
Even in the various seasons of work and financial "instability" this past year, our freezer has literally remained full as God has provided for us through the people in our lives.
It has been a huge, powerful reminder that God is still in control, even when I am not.
And that's another reality: I am not in control.
All I can control is how I live and move and have my being in this very moment.
I don't control tomorrow.
I don't control what happens this afternoon.
I only control how I respond and live and love and act in this very moment.
This moment is all I have.
This moment is all you have.
Life is full of lots of moments, just like this.
And I have learned to be very present in each moment.
In this moment, I'm enjoying writing this to you.
In this moment, are you enjoying reading this?
Because that's all you can control: this moment right now.
I'm thankful for you.
Thank you for following along and reading this far.
Here's what's crazy to me: God is still giving me visions and goals for what's ahead.
And on the days that are tough and I feel miserable, it's the hope I need to continue to push through for what's ahead.
When it's time, I'll let you know about them.
Until next time, press into each moment, to be fully alive!
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